


And my thoughts, they sing

by plopdropflop



Series: our little home [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Park Jisung (NCT)-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22603606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plopdropflop/pseuds/plopdropflop
Summary: A four person dorm. A small space to share, an easy way to get close. An easier way to feel left out.The two years between them never felt so prominent. A gap he can never catch up to, one that remains unchanged forever.(Alternatively: Jisung shares and shares and shares, until one day he realizes they never share back)
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Park Jisung, Lee Jeno & Park Jisung, Na Jaemin & Park Jisung, Park Jisung (NCT)/Everyone
Series: our little home [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1660615
Comments: 17
Kudos: 267





	And my thoughts, they sing

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wondered how dorming with three people older than you felt for Jisung. Speaking from personal experiences, sometimes friendships with older friends can be a little hard, the age difference won't ever go away. 
> 
> So yeah. This is me projecting. I wrote this in a burst of inspiration. It's not beta-read or anything, so I apologize for any mistakes. I'm half asleep, was half asleep when writing this. I don't know what I'm doing.

It's sometime midnight. The dorms are quiet, Jisung's limbs itching with the need to go practice. The strict instructions from their managers to 'take a break for once' richochet around in his head, but he can't help but miss the reflective walls and smooth floor of the dance studio. Three days of doing absolutely nothing is finally getting to him.

Absentmindedly, he begins twirling his fingers around on top of the plush pillow situated on his lap. Soon enough, his wrist joins, and the ingrained movements of 'Boom's choreography begin to form, albeit half-heartedly.

From across him, Renjun clicks his tongue disapprovingly. "You need this break," He reminds Jisung in a stern voice, leaning against the wall, legs stretched out on the mattress. Next to him, a high pile of tissues.

Jisung copies the motion, but he's too tall, and half his limbs end up hanging out the bed. He's used to it though, and pays it no mind. "I'm just restless," He whines, petulant.

"Why don't you go out then?" Renjun asks, plucking another tissue from the box and blowing his nose into it. He sends a flat look at Jisung when his face scrunches in disgust.

"I don't want to go alone," Jisung says.

"Jaemin? Jeno? Maybe even Chenle?" Renjun offers.

"I— I don't think Jaemin hyung will be up to it. He's been weird, lately. Like, weirder. Um, Jeno hyung doesn't like going out during long breaks, you know?" Jisung counters weakly.

Renjun narrows his eyes. "And Chenle?"

Jisung flinches.

Renjun sighs. "Something _is_ up. I knew it. Come on, kid. Spill."

"It's not a big deal, I swear. Just... he's been really dry in texting. The last time we got a break, we face-timed non stop, remember?"

Renjun's face twists. Of course he remembers. They all do. The weeks of Jisung staring into his phone, carrying it with him everywhere, barely paying his surroundings any mind. At a point, one of them had to be on his tail at every time to make sure he didn't injure himself.

"Well now," Jisung continues, "he doesn't even... it's like I'm annoying him, I think."

"I don't think that's it. You know how big his family is, he's probably just busy. With a nephew and all now too. Don't worry too much about it, and if it continues after the break, I'll talk to him about it," Renjun says calmly. His expression is intense but his eyes are soft. Talking to him did always make Jisung feel a lot better.

"I guess I'll ask Jaemin hyung, in the meantime. You should focus on getting better soon, hyung."

"Oh, and what makes you think I'll agree to babysit you?" Renjun says cheekily.

Jisung pouts. "Come on! You've all been so boring lately! Let me have some fun!"

Renjun laughs at his plight, lightly smacking his wrist. "Don't be too hard on Jaemin, okay? He's just going through a rough patch."

Jisung's eyebrows fly into his hairline, alarmed. This was news. He didn't really notice, because Jaemin was always quiet and reserved in the dorms, a stark contrast to his on-camera personality. Over an year of rooming with him, and Jisung's gotten used to that Jaemin, and he thought he was good at discerning his emotions even through the elder's collected demeanour.

"Is he okay?" Jisung asks, anxiety curling in his gut. Jisung always thought everyone fared better than he did during Jaemin's hiatus. Jisung, awkward and shy, had gotten used to being tucked under Jaemin's wings and the sudden absence had been jarring to accommodate. The rest of them, however, hid their worries well.

It was honestly a little offensive, how much they pretended around him. Jisung, friendless except for Chenle, didn't need another group of hyung's to baby him to the point it was patronising. He wanted them to be as real with him as they were to each other. Then he could accept the cheek pulling and hugs, sure, but otherwise it just left him feeling... weird. A little useless, if he was honest.

It's not a thought of his that he voiced out much, but he thinks they noticed it anyways. Renjun started seeking him out for late-night talks, listening to his opinions and thoughts as if the value was equal to a hyung's. It resulted in a relationship Jisung treasured dearly. Renjun made him feel equal.

But the Jaemin thing brings back the familiar feeling of being left out. Jeno must know, because Jeno is Jaemin's best friend slash soulmate. Renjun knows, either because he was perceptive enough to notice or because Jaemin sought him out to talk about it.

Both options, he doesn't like. Option one, because Jisung as his roommate should have observed if anything was off.

Option two, because... well... Jisung was always so used to seeking out Jaemin's advice and approval that he's suddenly starting to realize that it was never returned. Jaemin never asked him for help, never asked him for advice or talked to him about worries. Jisung knows he's younger, but Jaemin's known him since he was a child. Does Jaemin not trust him?

Suddenly, the room felt too cold. His brain was in overdrive. Was it only Jaemin? What about Renjun? Renjun mentions being homesick, because Renjun was always an honest person, but beyond that? All their talks centered around aliens and conspiracies, and whatever personal weight added to it was always from Jisung's side.

And Jeno, he never expected much from, but they've known each other forever as well. Jisung would never admit it, but he genuinely cherishes Jeno, loves him as a Hyung and looks up to him. But what about Jeno? What was Jisung to him?

"...sung? Jisung?" Renjun's voice breaks him out of his reviere. Jisung stares up at him, eyes wide, only to find a familiar comforting gaze. Suddenly though, it feels almost mocking.

Jisung doesn't know what he's feeling all of a sudden. Jealousy, that his hyung's are closer to each other than him? Anger, because he feels left out? Sadness, because no matter how hard he tries, the two year age gap can never be covered?

"Hyung... I'm gonna head to bed," He says, breathless. He's confused, a little lost, and his brain screams at him to ask someone for help. But that's the thing isn't it? Jisung always, always talks to his hyung's about his problems, but when have they ever done the same to him?

He couldn't sleep that night. He wakes up feeling the same.  
  
  


Living in a four person dorm has it's merits. For one, it's surprisingly calm. Their loudest members, Chenle and Hyuck don't live with them hence the dorm is generally quiet except on the rare occasions Jaemin gets a burst of energy. Even then, it only lasts a few hours.

Other times though, the silence can get suffocating, the rest of them so caught up in their own world. Or well, in each other. Jisung had realised this the day he had woken up thirsty, hustling into the kitchen to find Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun huddled together on the floor, giggling over nothing.

He pushed that memory to the back of his mind. It's okay, they can have fun without him. And he _is_ younger. So usually he'd reach out to Chenle and they'd enjoy their own brand of fun.

But Chenle was busy, barely responsive even through texts. And Jisung feels... lost.

He stares at Jaemin's broad back as his hyung flits around the kitchen, cooking them both a simple meal even without Jisung's request. It's routine for them, and Jisung feels eternally grateful and even more frustrated at the thought that they do so much for him but he can't do much for them.

The voice in the back of his mind whispers, _it's not an age thing, it's a trust thing._

Jisung pushes it back.

He smiles weakly at the plate Jaemin offers him, giving his thanks and ignoring Jaemin's curious gaze as he digs into the meal. Food used to make him feel better. Now, he just feels nauseous.

"I'm... I'm sorry hyung. I don't think I can finish this," he says, only a few bites in.

Jaemin looks up from his phone, surprised. Jisung doesn't blame him, he doesn't remember the last time he refused any food.

"Are you feeling sick?" Jaemin asks, concerned.

Jisung shrugs. "A little nauseous. I'll wait for it to pass."

Jaemin nods, moves closer to rest a palm on his forehead. "You don't seem to have a fever. Alright then, I'll leave it in the microwave, okay?"

Jisung nods absentmindedly. He's more busy tracing Jaemin's features with his eyes, observing the dark pupils, dry lips and fading pink hair. His previously chubby cheeks look more sunken in, the area around his eyes more purple than peach.

Renjun was right. Something really was up.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Jisung asks pointedly.

Jaemin flinches, just a little, barely noticeable, but Jisung has his eyes trained on him like a hawk. Jaemin turns to face him, a gentle smile adorning his features. "Of course I am," he says.

A blatant lie. Jisung feels sick.

Without a word, he pushes his chair back and storms off into their shared room. Crawls into his own bunk for once and burrows under the covers, shutting his eyes and tuning the world out.

He wants to throw up.  
  
  
  


When he comes to, the day has become night, and there's an extra blanket thrown on him. A plushie placed in his arms. When he climbs down, he finds a lukewarm mug of tea.

Jisung gulps it down in one go and looks around the room. No Jaemin to be seen. Looks out the window. The moon is high and bright.

He walks out with the intention of eating his barely touched breakfast, only to hear quiet sniffles coming from the kitchen. He freezes, immediately backing up and ducking behind the large potted plant and trying to peek through the door.

His heart drops.

Renjun, on the counter, Jaemin buried into one shoulder and Jeno into the other. Both boys trembling while Renjun soothingly runs his hands on their back. Silently speaking, but Jisung can't hear the words.

He feels horrible. He doesn't know why. He doesn't get it. Doesn't get why they all seem to have a support system based off of each other, and he's just left behind in the dust.

Here's the thing. Jisung's known Jeno and Jaemin for a long, long time. They were the first ones to make him feel comfortable, the first ones to shield him against the jealous stares of the trainees who just couldn't keep up with him. Jisung's seen them get into petty fights, has _been_ in petty fights with them, has been through all the sentimental apologies and hugs. Has seen what Jaemin went through when his back got injured, kept Jeno company during the awful two years where they both had lost their number one grounding force.

And yet, he's never seen them cry.

Oh he has seen Jeno, frustrated enough that tears pool in his eyes. But he's never seen him outright sob like this, hard enough that even Renjun is shaking.

And Jaemin? Jaemin has gotten mad at Jisung, has had his down days, overly excited ones and never has Jisung seen the boy even close to tears. Even through his brutal hiatus, Mark's graduation and their latest concert, Jaemin had kept an ironclad facade. One that even Jisung wasn't allowed to peek through.

But here they both are, openly weeping into Renjun's shoulder for reasons unknown. Renjun, who they've known for a lesser time than they've known Jisung.

Jisung knows it's not Renjun's fault. But he can't help the bitter feeling of betrayal sting his throat. He's jealous, through and through.

Jisung can't watch this anymore. He turns on his heels, marches into the living room and promptly falls asleep on the sofa.  
  
  
  


The next morning is strange. Jisung wakes up once more with a blanket thrown on him, walks into the kitchen while nursing his rumbling stomach to find a surprisingly chirpy Jaemin already flipping pancakes.

"Jisung!" He cries out when he notices the boy. "You didn't eat at all yesterday, did you? Come on, take a plate, you shouldn't make it a habit."

Jisung complies, eyeing Jaemin's face. Puffy, like he'd been crying for hours on end. Lips bleeding, the way it does whenever he gnaws on it harshly. He looks tired, but Jisung can tell the happiness is genuine. Jaemin doesn't pretend to be happy the same way he pretends to not be sad. He's just objectively neutral half the time.

Jisung isn't good at hiding his emotions the same way. He's an open book, which is why it only takes ten minutes of Jaemin's pointed staring for him to break.

"I saw you guys, last night," he blurts out.

Jaemin raises his eyebrows, but says nothing, gesturing at him to continue.

"You were, um... crying. You and Jeno hyung. I'm — I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, and I didn't! I just saw, I didn't hear anything. I was hungry so I wanted to get some food and I saw you guys so I didn't — I — I couldn't..." Jisung can't continue, his voice almost breaking and he has to clamp his mouth shut.

"Take a breath, Jisung. Calm down," Jaemin interjects calmly. "It's okay if you saw us."

And Jisung can't help it. "Is it?" He spits out. "Is it really, Jaemin hyung? Because you've never done that in front of me. It's always... always Jeno hyung and Renjun hyung and I'm always left behind because what? Because I'm younger so I won't understand your worries? Because I'm not mature enough? Or do you just not trust me, Jaemin hyung?" He ends, bitterness lacing every word that flew out, no filters in place anymore.

Jaemin looks taken aback, and he visibly grasps for words. "Of course I trust you. We all do," he says finally, but it's not enough.

"You say that! You say that, but you never show it! Remember during Chewing Gum promotions when you hid your back problems from me and I had to find out after they took you to the hospital? How did you think that made me feel?" Jisung cries out.

"Jisung, I—"

"Or when you came back, you were so quiet and you never told me it was because we were distancing you too much. Oh no, you didn't tell me, but you told Renjun hyung who you weren't even close to back then! Who am I to you then, hyung?!" He cries out, tears gathering in his eyes, falling in embarrassingly large droplets. Breakfast largely fogotten as his hands tremble, eyes moving to track them instead of the absolutely devastated expression on Jaemin's face. Anything but that.

"Jisung..." Jaemin starts, voice so soft and so sad that Jisung feels his heart breaking over and over again. He reaches over to try and grasp Jisung's hands, but Jisung flinches back as if burnt.

The silence is suffocating.

Jisung leaves the room in an instant, ignoring the looks Jeno and Renjun were shooting at him. It's obvious they heard. Jisung wasn't trying to be quiet after all.

He heads to the guest bedroom, the one where the managers stay in during comeback season. Dusty and unused, it's bound to trigger his allergies, but he doesn't care.

He stays there for the whole day. He plays stupid games on his phone, trying to distract himself. At one point, someone knocks on the door, a quiet voice telling him that his food was left near the door and he should eat it.

It's warm. It's good.

It's lonely.  
  
  
  


The next day is awkward. Jaemin cannot look him in the eye. Renjun remains neutral, but Jisung knows if it goes on for any longer than Renjun deems necessary he's going to end up going through a harsh confontration.

Surprisingly, it's Jeno who's the most relaxed. When he finds Jisung poking around in the kitchen, he only greets him and grabs a can of soda.

Right before Jeno leaves though, Jisung's tongue betrayes him. "Hyung!" He calls out.

Jeno turns around, tilting his head in confusion.

"Can we... can we game together?" Jisung asks nervously. Unnecessary, as Jeno only nods and leads him to his room.

It's mostly quiet. It's not a hard game by any means, but it's enjoyable and Jisung finds himself relaxing. However, as time ticks on, Jisung feels an unknown deadline weighing upon him. Images of a distraught Jaemin crying into Renjun while he's here having fun.

Finally, when he can't take it anymore, he throws the controller down. Turns to face Jeno's questioning look with a guilty expression.

"Is he okay?" He asks.

"Not really," Jeno says simply. "But he will be, if you go talk to him."

"But I was really rude to him, hyung."

"I know you were. But you aren't both faultless in this scenario, and so aren't we," Jeno states simply, as if commenting on the weather.

"What?" Jisung can only question, mouth agape.

"You heard me. You do have a point, Jisung. We're a team aren't we? Communication is important, between us. And I mean _all_ of us," Jeno says, a small smile on his face as he looks at Jisung's surprised expression. "I'm not good with words. I think the others can probably word it better than I can."

Jisung can only nod helplessly. He never expected his insecurities to be so out in the open, so accepted. It's... nice.

"Go find Renjun, will you?" Jeno tells him, shutting off the game, pushing at Jisung's shoulders until he's out the room. He shuts the door mercilessly on Jisung's face, snapping him out of his daze.

Right. Renjun.

It's not hard to find him. He is still sick after all, so he's curled up on his bed, a book in hand. He looks up when Jisung walks in, a terrifyingly blank expression on his face.

"Did you talk to Jeno?" Renjun says in place of a greeting.

Jisung nods meekly.

Renjun sighs. "I'm not going to bite your head off. Come on, sit here," he says, patting the spot next to him. Jisung awkwardly fills it, trying to take up as less space as possible.

Renjun rolls his eyes, smacking him. "What are you, a bug? Stop being a wimp, Jisung. Spit it out. No judgment zone, remember?"

Jisung laughs, breathless. "I was really jealous of you, you know? Still am, really," He says, jumping right to the topic. The way Renjun likes it, direct with as little filler as possible.

Renjun doesn't seem offended. Rather the opposite. Almost proud, he smiles at Jisung and says, "I get it. I really do. I used to be really jealous of you too. Not because of your dancing or whatever, but just because of who you are. You're so pure, Jisung. And I don't mean that you're naive or ignorant, but that you put a new spin on everything. You find everything so wonderful, Jisung, and there was a point where I was so bitter being away from my family that watching you became a breath of fresh air."

Jisung's eyes widen at the words. So raw and honest, dug out from deep within the confines of Renjun's heart that he desperately tries to hide.

"But then I realized, we really aren't that different. We both gave up something to pursue this dream of ours. A childhood. Friends. Family. And you're right, I think. I should have talked to you about it more. I hope it's not too late to start adding them, along with our dumb conspiracies?"

It's the first time Jisung has heard Renjun sound unsure. He usually exudes confidence through every action, and Jisung can't help but feel giddy at the realization that Renjun was being more open to him. Baring a part of his soul he never did before.

"Of course," Jisung says, feeling the wind knocked out of him for the second time that day. He places his hand atop of Renjun's. "Same time, same days?"

"Of course," Renjun smirks.  
  
  


And then it's just Jaemin. 

Jisung's nervousness is at it's peak as he trudges down the hall into their shared room. It's only when he opens the door to find Jaemin mirroring his expression that he finds himself relaxing a little.

"Hyung—"

"Jisung—"

A pause. Then, a giggle, from both of them. "Elders first, I suppose," Jisung tells Jaemin, moving to sit on the chair by the desk.

"I'm... I'm so sorry, Jisung. I never wanted you to feel like you weren't trusted, you know? It's just hard. For me to open up. I've known Jeno ever since school, so I could go him. And Renjun... well he's Renjun," Jaemin says with a laugh.

Then his expressions turns a little serious. He turns to fully look at Jisung, eyes burning. "But you, Jisung. You were so young. Still are, really. I always wanted to protect you from everything. But now I see it was doing you more harm than good. I'll never stop babying you, I hope you know, but I'll try letting you in a little more, okay?"

"Okay," Jisung agrees. Deep down he knows there will always be the two years gap. The truth is that they probably won't ever come to him for advice, won't ever rely on him the same way he does to them.

But as long as they don't hide it... as long as they still keep him in the picture, drag him along for the ride, Jisung thinks it'll be okay.

It has to be.  
  
  


And it is. Every Friday night, Renjun forces them all into a little circle in the living room. Knees smushed together, bottles of soda resting in the middle and popcorn thrown everywhere.

"To spill all our worries," Renjun explains with a bright smile, and Jisung feels himself flush.

Next to him, Jaemin coos and Jeno snorts. But it goes surprisingly well. Jisung, as usual, has the most thoughts, the most questions. But he's surprised to find out the others don't hold back either. Sometimes it's surface level worries and other time it's a little deep.

But it works. It makes Jisung feel more included, less useless. Like he can be relied on half as much as he does on them.

Everything really would be okay, Jisung thinks. In a four person dorm, there isn't any company but each other after all.  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far. If you enjoyed it, please leave some kudos! Or even a comment! Genuinely cannot express how much it would mean to me, and how much it would motivate me to write more. 
> 
> (I never explained what was up with Jaemin. If you guys want, I can write a sequel though, so please let me know!)


End file.
